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The inspiration for these communication commandments for men came from my own and other women’s experiences. They are about when men say just when they shouldn’t. Many men out there are genuinely ignorant, but I believe there are also many men who really love the woman they’re with. The problem is, they just doesn’t know any better and we are partly to blame for this: We’re so busy being hurt and angry with them for being insensitive, that we don’t take the time to explain it to them. Then we seem to expect them to mind read why we’re upset. So in fact, we are perpetuating this behavior. My advice? If you don’t want to deal with it, then be clear as to why it’s wrong. Educate them. A good man, once he understands what he’s done, will do his best to change. Really.
The more more you notice other women, the less of her you will see.
“Wow! Look at her! What a knock-out!”
Never tell a woman how beautiful or sexy another woman is. When we talk about beauty, we are talking about our sense of aesthetics. When we say someone is sexy, we’re talking about how desirable we find someone. So, when you talk about another woman in these ways, the woman you’re with gets the message that she doesn’t measure up in some way. Instead, it’s the other woman who measures up. This does not mean that she is insecure in herself. It means what it always does: Love makes anyone insecure because you are now concerned about someone else’s happiness rather than your own. That means that you want to please your partner in every way you can. The main things in either gender’s arsenal are looks and charisma to attract someone, at least initially. If you talk about someone else in this context, then that translates as your partner is lacking something. Not a good feeling.
The question is, if the woman you’re with meets your sense of beauty, why are you looking at another? If you say another woman is sexy, you’re saying she’s desirable. No woman wants to hear you desire another woman, ever. Just as a man wants to know that he has the power to hold on to the one he’s with, so does a woman. If this is made a habit, especially in a committed relationship, a woman will make herself scarce in some way. This often means hiding who she really is from the one she’s with.
You must become blind to all other women. When you do, you will find that the woman you’re with will begin to bloom. When the woman you’re with blooms, you’ll wonder why you ever looked at anyone else in the first place. She’ll become radiant and the secrets of herself that she’ll begin to reveal will not only endlessly fascinate you, they will be the biggest turn-on of your life. However, remember that just as flowers take time to bloom, you must be patient with the process in your beloved. A good tip is to make her first in everything, so try reading some good books and learn from them. Be sensitive and thorough in any research you do; don’t just look for ways to “get her off”. She is a person, just like you and you wouldn’t want to be seen in just that way either. An important note to keep in mind is, if women find you attractive, be aware of this so that you’re able to send clear signals you are very much taken.
To remove foot from mouth, first remove fingers from ears.
“You talk too much.”
Listen if you wish to be listened to. Every person wants to be heard. It tells them that, to at least one person, they are important: It is a way of validating our existence in this world. Considering how important this is, being listened to is a tiny requirement from our lover. Yet for many women, it can become a herculean task to be truly heard by him.
The mistake many men make is that they forget the woman they are with is also person, just like them. Seriously: They see a woman and tend to forget the human being within. Even if they just about worship women. They see the form, they see a woman, they see a mysterious being, but they don’t see the person. Women are not really enigmas, they are people and they are often the direct complement to all the things missing from men. Where men are specific, women are global. Where men point out problems, women look for solutions. Where men tend to be aggressive, women tend to communicate. Both responses of either gender is often appropriate when they occur together: Men get to the point, women find the root by looking at the environment in which things occurred. Used in proper concert, these abilities are probably a prescription for world peace. Not kidding here.
Never make her feel like you’re not really listening to her and then wonder why she doesn’t respond to you. Actually, actively listen to her. Never let her think what she has to say is not worth listening to. Always remember that she is a person before she is anything else. You need her and she needs you. You can complete each other and really, this is what we seek in a real relationship.
Mention not the blood, lest you begin to bleed.
“Are you having your period?”, “Is it that time of the month?”, or “Is your period coming?”
Think about it guys: Do you ever get asked, “Is your prostate bothering you?” when you get angry, grumpy, or are just being a jerk? Of course not, even though it’s the male source of “hormones”. But guys have no real problem ascribing hormones to a woman who’s speaking her mind and may not be a happy camper about the topic. No guy would ever accept being reduced to a package housing hormones, yet that’s how they treat women. The really scary thing is that a lot of guys don’t have any idea they did anything wrong and end up confused at her increased anger.
Do you have any idea what is running through a woman’s mind when this happens? It ranges from thrown objects to putting tampons in places you really don’t want to find them, possibly with some violence and yes on YOUR person. That’s during her “normal” time. If it’s during that time of the month, this could also imperil your physical well-being in very real ways. Seriously, this has to be one of the most frustrating things a significant other can say to a woman: It reduces a woman to a reactionary animal, which she is decidedly not. It also instantly invalidates everything she has to say in your head and she knows it. It is a rare woman who can remain clear enough, after hearing this, to give a good dressing down about the subject to the man so that he never makes the same mistake again.
Chart her period on the calendar for several months so you KNOW when it’s there and when it’s coming. If she suffers from PMS, be supportive, pamper her a bit and be loving, but do NOT mention the blood. If she gets angry during this time, FIRST consider if what she’s saying has merit before dismissing it as the result of her hormones: She just might be too nice the rest of the month to mention it, or perhaps afraid to. Even if what she’s saying is not valid, remain calm enough to ride out her temper and do not rise to the occasion. When she calms down, ask if she feels better now (nicely), see if she would like a bath. However, do NOT mention the blood at any point. If she asks why you’re being like this, simply tell her that everybody needs to vent sometimes, which is true. If you do this, you might be surprised at how much better she might get at that time of the month.
Come back Friday for the last 2 commandments and if you missed the first 2, go have at look at 7 Communication Commandments for Men Part 1.
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