It’s the easiest way to post quoted text to your blog, no matter where you find it on the Web. Just select text to quote, add your comments, then publish it instantly to your blog. It’s that simple!
The inspiration for these communication commandments for men came from my own and other women’s experiences. They are about when men say just when they shouldn’t. The first one you’ll read is about the dreaded Fat Question. Hopefully, we give you something you can actually use. The last one of the 7 commandments is on a rather sensitive subject: The worth of a person when they’ve been through a Life Experience, so-called “baggage”, and she gets judged for it. I know many guys aren’t this ignorant, but there are enough of them out there that I knew I needed to add this one. Both Marc and I have heard it: Me as “one of the guys” when I was younger and they were talking to one of our friends and Marc’s experience was when he was told I had too much “baggage” to be with.
The more cushion, the more pushin’.
“Does this outfit make me look fat?” You, “Uh, … Yes?”
Kind of a no-win here. To understand what a woman is feeling, you need to understand that society is telling her everyday, everywhere, that she should be a child woman with boobs, functional sexuality and a child’s body, even after having children. Even if you really believe she’s a goddess (and tell her so), in her mind you are biased because society keeps telling her otherwise.
Have a look at the ridiculous “news” story at the bottom of this post and make sure you take a look at the so-called “fat” picture link in it. If you do, you’ll see what a woman faces everyday about her looks. If they’re saying this garbage about a celebrity, think what message this sends your beloved.
She wants to believe you, she really does: She wants to be free to let go, particularly with the one she loves, even if she’s afraid to, because of her body image. If she’s afraid, then that usually has to do with how much she thinks/feels/believes you’ll accept her. So what’s a guy to do? If you agree with her, you’ll just confirm her fears, if you disagree, then at best you’re biased and at worst you’re lying.
Most men do not find a skinny woman attractive. Beyond that, women often get the message from men that they need to be Barbie dolls to be attractive. However, most men give that impression because of peer pressure, having never really decided for themselves what they personally find attractive. However, their eyes follow what they truly like. So what do their eyes follow? A woman who looks healthy, happy, with an attractive face and preferably some meat on her. Not fat, but definitely with some upholstery on the frame. A man will not take his eyes off of her, regardless of her breast or butt size; there are many men who truly appreciate a good backside. She will often have wider hips and shapely legs. She will often be the sexy type as opposed to the girlish or boyish type.
Explaining the last paragraph to your beloved and going to do some people watching pointing out to her where the guys’ eyes stick would be a good start. Help her find clothes that actually make her look her best. Hair and make-up too, if applicable. If it’s really just a matter of muscle tone, you can look into exercise programs, nutrition programs, etc., that are designed for women. A good exercise program that turns a woman’s body into a dancer’s one is called Callenetics. It makes you strong and feminine without any bulking up and it’s pretty fast. However, you will need to support her properly as her body shape changes by showing and telling her just how sexy she’s getting. If she’s feeling a sprinter’s lethargy for the longer distance required to make herself KNOW she’s as beautiful as you see her, be her coach and help her get it done.
If you’re worried about her health, find out if there are any real health dangers for your situation. If there are, talk to your family doctor about them and ask what can be done. But understand, if she has to make changes, then so do you if she’s going to be successful. You cannot ask her to make life altering changes and then expect that you can carry on as usual: Cheering her on from the sidelines is nowhere near good enough for such radical changes to be successful. You will have to coach and encourage her if you’re already fit, or change along with her if you’re not. When she gets discouraged, it’ll be up to you for a while to help her get her spirits back up. In short, show her you love her with both your words and your actions.
She doesn’t have baggage; she has carry on.
“She’s damaged/used goods” or “She’s got too much baggage.”
This is what guys say to other guys, but they very often say it in front of other women, whether they realize it or not.
When does a human being stop being worth the effort? When do they become “throw away”? When you get to the point that people are only worth the time when there’s no effort to be made. It’s then that you’re the one who’s not worth the time of day. This is not to say that you should ever put yourself in harm’s way. Just consider if you could help.
However, when a man says this about a woman because she’s been divorced or had a really bad childhood, that’s when he’s said too much. But you know what? One man’s trash becomes another man’s treasure for the man with the heart to see within and love what he sees.
Saying something like this to a woman says to her that she is only worthwhile if she has never experienced life. It also reduces a woman to a “thing”. A woman is a human being. Life happens to her, just like men (if not more so). A man does not suddenly become worthless when he’s experienced suffering, so why on earth would a woman be considered as less if she has? Human beings develop character and gain depth through their experiences. She has learned how to carry on even when things get bad.
First of all, shut your mouth! Remember that your buddy isn’t the only one listening to you. Second, and far more importantly, is to remember that she is a human being first and foremost. Her experiences, however difficult and/or damaging have made her into the woman that you love today. Help her work through the pain and trauma to the best of your ability. Find books on the subject if necessary, but above all be patient, understanding and supportive. Her healing will come from within; within herself as well as within you. Be strong, but gentle, when she can’t, trusting that through your strength her own will grow.
There is truth to the adage, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. Help her find the strength within her experiences. Realize that at the end of it she will be more than either of you could ever possibly hope.
For your consideration, here’s a Sanskrit proverb:
“A woman’s appetite is twice that of a man’s; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.”
If the ancients saw women this way, and our civilization comes from them, and men more or less run things, why are men not understanding they are interacting with at least an equal?
A woman is not just a pile of hormones, a collection of great attributes, or some alien creature you don’t need to understand, just “work” right. She is a human being and a person just like you. You wouldn’t think of any male friend in the terms you would easily apply to women and he’s a person. So why would you do this with women? It doesn’t make sense. If you treat a woman right and earn her trust and respect, she will treat you right. There is no downside.
If haven’t read the other communication commandments you can read them here:
7 Communication Commandments Part 1
7 Communication Commandments Part 2
Related Articles
Note: The final appearance of your post may be different, depending upon your blog’s style sheets.